My Angel’s Name is Dorie

Posted by Jody Shaw in HandPrints Stories & Videos | 2 comments

© JP Shaw

The phone rang twice before the melody of my aunt’s soft, joyful voice brought a hint of relief to my ear. “Grand Central Station,” she answered, her words teasing a smile to the corners of my trembling lips.

“Hi, Auntie. It’s me.” I tried masking the tone of desperation I felt inside, yet secretly hoped she would sense the charade.

“Hi, Auntie. It’s me,” she echoed softly. “What can I do for my favorite niece?”

I drew in a deep, ragged breath and blurted out, “He called.”

Quiet for a moment, my aunt then asked, “So what happened?”

I described my recent conversation with my ex-husband, anger flaring. Again, he had admonished me about the custody papers he had received from my lawyer, adding several rounds of hateful tirades against me as a person, and the things I had done to anger him during our years together.

My aunt listened to it all, without interrupting my angry swell of epithets. And when I finished, exhausted from the mere mention of his name, I asked, “So what do I do?”

Silence hung in the air seemingly forever, before she finally answered. “Well, it’s quite simple, Sweetie. Let go of your anger.” I stared at the phone. How could I let go of the anger that consumed me? “Just think about it for a moment,” she said.

Surprisingly, her words did prompt me to be more specific. I didn’t actually hate my ex-husband; he was the father of my beautiful son, Jake. Sure, I fantasized a variety of horrific events that might punish him, and thus somehow make life easier for my son and me, but I didn’t actually hate him; I simply didn’t know how to process my anger. “How do I do that?” I asked her.

My tension eased a bit as her voice floated through the phone; she always had a great answer for my problems. She was wise. At fifty-eight, my aunt had experienced more in life than any other person I knew. As a single mother for sixteen years, she’d endured great struggles, heartache and suffering. And despite her setbacks, she rose to meet each challenge, triumphing in the end.

Just Do It!

“Just do it!” That was it? That was all she had to offer? Was my aunt suggesting that the Nike slogan should be my source of knowledge?

“Auntie,” I cried into the phone. “You can’t be serious!” My voice rose slightly, as it always does when I’m shocked. “Letting go of anger is not like putting on a pair of running shoes!” I exclaimed.

My aunt laughed, “Ahh, but it is that easy. The problem is, Jodi, you are just wearing your shoes too tight.”

“What?” I wanted to scream; she made no sense at all. Tears of frustration stung my eyes.

“Whenever you are confronted in dealing with your own – or someone else’s anger, you must ask yourself two very important questions: ‘Where is this going to take me?’ and, ‘What purpose does it serve?’” she said matter-of-factly.

Initially, I couldn’t discern her priceless lesson; I had wrapped myself in a self-protective blanket of rage. It was certainly easier to accuse and blame, rather than to feel pain and acknowledge fear. When my marriage ended, I had no idea how I would raise my son alone. Destitute, I received financial assistance and struggled from month to month. I attended day school to earn my Administrative Assistant Diploma, and completed a two-year writing course, carting my two-year-old son along wherever I went. Deprived of financial support from my ex-husband, I visited the food bank each month. And he and I bickered on the phone, trading accusations of who did what to whom in our twelve-year relationship.

Then it hit me: my aunt had altered my perception.

Learning To Let Go

While I had focused my rage on placing blame, the hatred I felt for my ex-husband was really my own sense of failure as wife and mother. I was haunted by self-doubt, suffering the loss of the man I had thought I loved. I came to understand that my anger was self-defeating; it kept me stuck, feeling lost and powerless.

My aunt shed light into my years of darkness. Her words empowered me; her encouragement strengthened me to let go of the past, to move on with peace in my heart, and to focus on the present.

Phone Photo By Chapendra
Nike Photo By $apam
Beach Photo By Craig Cloutier